And so it came to pass: having surfed a 50 week ‘creative streak’, this ‘Christmas’ column hit a writer’s roadblock. Searching for inspiration, I stumbled into the staff room to discuss my quandary with a colleague, Anna. Quick as a flash, which is quite a feat for an art teacher (kidding!), she suggested I write an ‘alternative Queen’s speech’. In lieu of any other intellectual spark to fire my creative engine, I reluctantly agreed:

"Every year we herald Christmas by the turning on of the lights, except those commoners who can’t afford such luxuries, what with the inflation-busting energy price hikes some of the impoverished have apparently faced this year.

"The virus has kept us apart from our loved ones, be it the omicron variant, or the American version known as ‘the Meghan’. Having lost one’s husband this year, my former grandson, Henry Charles Albert David, who has now culturally appropriated the working-class name of ‘Harry’, has flown off to save planet earth in a series of environmentally friendly Lear jets, as he preaches about morality whilst nobly taking the Netflix buck to fund his ‘campaign’. Now sitting in a country pile in California, he has recently been crowned the king of woke as one bites one’s lip and spits out the PG Tips each time one sees him bleating at a tech conference or suchlike.

"I have been lucky, however. During lockdown, many visitors have graced my presence in one of my numerous palaces, including Mr Johnson, who has managed to bumble his way to an audience with yours truly as he takes shelter from the latest self-inflicted injury. To make amends he has kindly offered me a ticket to a Christmas party that is not a party, of which he has no knowledge, apart from the knowledge he has.

"That nice new president, who, in the age of woke, everyone cheered for, despite being a gilded white 80-something year old, visited my parlour where he subsequently lived up to his nickname of sleepy Joe.

"This year has seen us collectively tackle the important issues: COP26 took a back seat to the latest rainbow-coloured zebra crossing, as we grappled with the big questions: should a man who self-identifies as a woman be able to frequent female toilets? The magnitude of such events has given everyone seasonal cheer, and opinion continues to be listened to despite the frequent cancellation of those who dare speak their mind.

"This Christmas is a time to forgive and forget, well, to forget at least, as I recycle an old present gifted to me by Pol Pot to give to ‘the Meghan’ and hope to God she refuses the luncheon invite I felt we had to extend to her, despite her being as welcome around our Christmas banquet as itching powder in a lycra bodysuit.

"And so, all that is left is for me, as the nation’s mother, is to wish you a peaceful Yuletide. Forget the foodbanks, homelessness, and escalating knife crime epidemic for the day, as we rejoice that at least we have a baker’s dozen of booster shots to look forward to in 2022. Rest assured, I am with you, in spirit, as I hope that other family members don’t go rogue again next year as I am running out of bluebloods to take my place when the bell finally tolls."

  • Brett Ellis is a teacher